1.A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is in their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,'Get the kid.'
2.Mother Freddie, why is your face so red
Freddie I was running up the street to stop a fight.
Mother That's a very nice thing to do. Who was fighting
Freddie Me and Jackie Smith.
3.A distinguished clergyman and the elders from his congregation attended an out-of-town meeting that did not finish until rather late. They decided to have something to eat before goint home, but unfortunately the only spot open was a seedy bar-and-grill with a questionable reputation.
After being served, one of the elders asked the clergyman to say grace. 'I'd rather not,', the clergyman said, ' I don't want Him to know I'm here.'
4.Tom William has asked me for a loan of five pounds. Should I be doing right in lending it to him
Tom And why
Jack Because otherwise he would try to borrow it from me.
I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport gate asked him to open the case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination . At last he succeeded.
'Why are you so nervous' I asked him.
'The numbers are the date of our anniversary.' my usband confessed.
6. An old lady who was very deaf and who thought everything too dear, went into a shop and asked the shopman' How much this stuff'
'Seven dollars, Madam, it is very cheap.' The l
ady said, 'It is too much, give it to me for fourteen.' 'I did not say seventeen dollars, but seven.'
'It is still too much,' replied the old lady, 'give it to me for five.'
7.Mother Why are you jumping up and down
Tom I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle.
8.One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.
On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.'The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.'
My husband looked up and said, 'Mom's here'
9.Mr. Johnson Are you using you mower this afternoon
Mr.Johnson Fine. Then can I borrow your tennis racket, since you won't be needing it
10.Mary was so disgusted at her husband's cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.
'I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday.'
'Don't worry, dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later.' He said with a smile.